Balancing Act

Finally home been a little while since I've written anything. Spring came and went summer is here and I'm a year older. Happy to be blessed with another year of life. Still unsure about the future though. Little caught up in the present at the moment. Not that that's a bad thing I've been able to travel see my family spend my birthday in Las Vegas and will be visiting California for the first time next month. All of this I still feel in the back of my head that I'm standing still. About halfway done with eating season and ive packed on a couple pounds. Was pretty  focused on just maintaining. But now I'm putting the wheels in motion to get back into fighting shape. I'm relieved to know that I don't have another eating contest for the next 3 weeks. I can finally start prepping my meals and get an adequate amount of sleep I've had decent placings my last couple of contest. So I'm really not hurting for money relieved to know that once I'm done with my shift at work I can go home and not have to worry about putting in any overtime which in turn gives me more time to rest and get my ass in the gym. I know I've said this before I do enjoy competing in the eating contest but at the sametime it's not something that I love doing kinda feel conflicted now that because I'm still not where I need to be fitness wise or weight wise in order to fight. Although I had fun little too much fun during my birthday it was another wake-up call that I'm not getting any younger I don't feel as though I'm getting old especially way women do I just feel like I'm not where I need to be and I'm the 1 hindering my progress. I set a goal for myself to be down to 5 percent by the time my birthday came around and I know that I'm far from it. My diet has been so crappy over the past couple months. Trying to find time to cook to exercise  work & traveling and doing contests really is a balancing act that I'm not used to. I've always been an extremnist from what I've been told and I've come to realize that it's true. I'm the type of person who needs time to focus . I feel as though once I do focus then I can pour myself 110% into what it is that I'm doing. As of tomorrow I'm back to a regiment I'll finally fast the first time about a month and prep my meals for the week. As much fun as I've been having this is actually something that I'm really looking forward to. Party can't last forever. everyone needs structure now and again. I really do find solace in having that. You know in the long run it pays off and only helps to be prepared. Pretty soon the balancing act will be over and I can drop off the tight rope and walk on solid ground. I know there's going to be a point where have to decide whether I want to keep this balancing act up and if the little bit a fun than I'm having now will benefit me in a long run. I'm still undecided as how long I'll have to make a decision whether it will be in September October or next year in March. But either way in September or October I do plan on taking time off for eating to make sure that next year I am in peak physical condition and can begin fighting again if I haven't already begun to do so in the fall. I know what I used two be and I know where i can be and it's not where I at right now but I'm working on it, & the balancing act continues for now

Auras Energy & Why I Don't Like Being Touched

I know I may sound kind of strange but I truly do believe that energy can be transferred from person-to-person. Something as simple as a handshake can transfer a number of different energies. When you open your hand its like youre opening a part of yourself. Someone with malintent can transfer their negativity towards you. I've always been kind of iffy when it comes to making any sort of physical contact with anyone. Not saying that is a privilege to touch me but at the same time it's a big thing for anyone to get a handshake much less a hug out of me. In my crazy comic geek reference it's almost like the Hulk and absorbing man or Rogues ability to steal other mutants powers . I feel like your life force can be drained. You can get a decent reading on someone when you first meet them. A handshake says a lot. Weak handshakes are the worst why even bother if I open my hand and open part of myself to you and you don't apply or give anything back then it's a wasted effort. Hugging someone is a completely different story. I've got to be really close to you for me to open my arms and give an even bigger part of myself to you. Most guys jump at the opportunity to give females hugs regardless whether their thirsty or not. Me I'll pass on the opportunity on frequent occasion if I don't have any sort of connection with you /don't like you regardless how attractive you may be I don't feel like its worth it. If you hug & really embrace someone in my eyes it's like youre transferring all of your love and positivity into that person. I'm sure it's just superstition on my part but at the same time they say that when death comes for you all it takes is for him to touch you & then you die.

Learning to live a little

A.k.a. the Lonewolf a title that's been self-appointed. Plenty of people my age are out drinking and partying I'm at home. My social life is next to none. At times I feel like I'm missing out , but I figure if I'm in doors then that leaves less of an opportunity for me to get into any trouble. I feel safe in my domain I stay in my own shell a hermit in my own right . I think this is from me having a sheltered life as a child. I wasn't left to roam the streets usually indoors way before the streetlights came on to avoid any stray bullets on the fourth floor of an apartment complex with three locks on a metal door and a chain. This along with my shy wallflower attitude leaves me to be out of place in social settings. Seems like anytime I would try to go outside of my comfort zone then I later came to regret it. The club lounge and bar scene was never really my cup of tea. I've never been the type that seeks attention by buying overpriced liquor in an attempt to mingle with members of the opposite sex. . My schedule hasn't been very kind to me as far as having much free time is involved. Now things are slightly improved but I really haven't jumped on the opportunity of having more availability. I want to but I'm so focused on the task at hand that I feel like I can't take any time off. Getting a solid eight hours of sleep keeping my diet clean sticking & to my exercise regimen are A few of the things that I prioritize in the present. I see it as a good & bad thing good thing in the sense that I'm focused on what it is that I'm doing but a bad thing in the sense that I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I really have become a bit of a slave to a routine. I really feel like over the winter I get into hibernation mode I don't  do the cold so it's yet another reason to stay inside my nice warm cozy cave. Sometimes I feel like I'm allergic to social interactions being around a large group of people kind of drains me I don't feel like myself at all. Maybe this is something that I 'll grow out of. Only time will tell. Once it warms up and I'm content with where I'm at then I really am going to make a solid effort to get out more and be a little bit more social I am a firm believer in life being about making connections but at the same time if you're indoors all the time who are you going to connect with other than yourself. I try my best to self evaluate  and to point out my own imperfections I know how to be honest with myself. At this point I really do feel like an old miser and I need to grow out of this mentality sooner or later if not then I might as well buy a rocking chair and retire early. Ive got a lot of life to live so I'm going to do my best start trying to live it.

No new friends

Friendship has multiple meanings I guess it really is in the eye if the beholder. A lot of people loosely  throw the word around but really have no essence of its value. Anytime you make an introduction to talk about someone this is my friend or my friend so-and-so. But is that person really truly your friend what makes them your friend the fact that you work with them? The fact that you might share a common interest? The timeframe in which you've known them? That you're  friends on Facebook? In my eyes I feel like all of these things can become null & void in an instant.  I'm one who really does believe that life is all about making connections. Despite the fact that I'm not a people person that I can be socially awkward and that I keep a pretty small circle The connection that you have with others has to be exactly that a connection. Not saying that you mesh up together well that you have multiple things in common I perceive it that if the two of you were a piece of rope that was not in a loop then there would be no connection. They say friendship is a two-way street. You have to put in the effort to maintain it just like how you tend to plant you give it water and sunlight but if  it doesn't have these things it will most likely whither up & die. I feel as though with a lot of my friends or so-called friends that the connection is lost that if we were a plant that our leaves are starting to wilt if we were a rope we're slowly starting to lose the knot that has tied together. It may not be through lack of contact or conflicting schedules. It's just the feeling you get when you don't feel any of the love that you have for  a person reciprocated back towards you. You don't necessarily have to talk to someone every day in order to get that feeling or know that they're thinking about you and your well-being. Sometimes you just know. Its simply whether or not you wish to accept it. Bring into reality the idea that the connection has lost that despite whatever circumstances  brought you two together that whatever is going on in the present is enough to keep the two of you apart. Not apart as far as  distance the connection and bond are just gone. Ultimately I know that I'm not perfect. And some of the things that I'm mentioning now I may be guilty of doing not keeping in contact not thinking about someone whos close to me losing the connection but I really do my best to try. If I'm your friend I try to be a friend to the end. Whether you're wrong or right despite your flaws and imperfections despite any disagreements that we may have. Sometimes I don't feel as though the friendship that I am willing to give to others is directed towards me. A person can be your friend one day and then all of a sudden become a friend of convenience. The type of person who only calls or thinks about you & wants to be around you when they need something from you or want something. I'm to a point now where I feel as though I don't need that in my life. I don't have any time or space in my heart for friends of convenience and persons of circumstance. If there is no connection then I can't truly call you my friend & if we're not friends then it will be extremely difficult for me to let you into my circle and make that connection just based on how guarded I am & the fact that I feel as though the friendship that I'd be willing to give you would not be given to me in return. Hence the title of this blog. A true friend isn't an outsider looking in its someone who's  a part of your life through thick and thin through all the good & the bad no matter what. True friends really are hard-to-find nowadays. But for all of my true friends I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me. Despite our time together lack of time together conflicting schedules just knowing that you think of me the way I think of you is something that I value & hold dearly. If you're reading this you know who you are there's no need to mention  it. Just know that if you are thinking of me then I'll definitely be thinking of you. I'll do my best to water the plant & to keep the knot tight. Thanks again for reading.

That's my secret I'm always angry

It seems like some people express certain emotions more than others. Some people mask emotions better than others. I like to think that I'm one of those people. I smile I laugh I joke around but deep down inside Im a really angry guy. Sometimes I feel like my anger consumes me. I don't  yell I don't scream I don't punch holes in walls as much as I would like to do this I'm not prepared to pay my landlady for the damages. If I could I would just scream at the top of my lungs until I lost my voice. But then again I don't want anyone to look at me like I'm just some crazy man yelling and punching holes in the walls for no reason. I'm more implosive than explosive bottling up my emotions.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm ready to snap and go on a shooting rampage or anything of that sort. Despite my rage I try my best to be a decent human being. Maybe it's my frequent habit of isolating myself that leads me to the point where even someone touching me can irritate  me? Maybe I'm not exerting all of my excess energy? Maybe I'm just upset because I feel like I haven't reached my true potential?  Who knows at times I feel like there's something wrong with me. Have I been so out of touch that I don't know any other emotion besides anger? Has my constant use of my anger as fuel become somewhat toxic to me. Today I  shared a link on mantras for running. Before I posted it I thought to myself wow it's like night and day because the majority of the mantras there were all somewhat positive or uplifting. My mantras are always fueled by anger "you can't stop everyone around you wants to see you fail" "youre tired what the hell is wrong with you" "you're never going to finish". I fear failure and ridicule that in turn makes me angrier. I look at this as taking a negative and trying to make it something positive. For now I feel as though this really is the best thing I can do. That and what I'm doing now as far as putting down my thoughts. I really do think at times that perhaps I'm not the only one who feels this way. Are there others like me who think that happiness comes in spurts and can't be a constant thing? I really don't know and quite frankly I really don't think I ever will. All I can do is continue to do what I've been doing. Just go with it stop breath count whatever helps control what I have pent up inside of me. Even my uncertainty on the matter is beginning to agitate me. Well let's see if a good nights sleep will help to ease my mind until next time thanks for reading & stay green

A long time coming

Constant procrastination sickness injury and some speed bumps along the way have hindered my progress. These past couple of years I really have let myself go and it's really embarrassing. It seems like I let myself be consumed by living in the moment and not focusing on what was important to me.  Over the past 2 & 1/2 years I've put on about  a hundred and 20 pounds doing contest recovering from injuries and just being a downright lazy bastard. I can't say that it hasn't been fun along the way. I've partied I went to Las Vegas I made it to Nathan's  made it  to Hooters in Clearwater I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted watched a ton movies laid on my ass and didn't work out almost the entire time and if I did most of the time it was in spurts I'd get on a health kick for a month or two and then get back to being lazy  as usual. In all honesty I thought about completely giving up on competitive eating before I left for Vegas I was going to quit right then and there but I had already booked my flight and it was nonrefundable so I said fuck it I'm going anyway and I  had a blast while I was out there I don't regret doing it. Winter has kicked my ass these past couple of years the first time that I got really sick I ended up with a massive fluid buildup in my lungs and was almost sent to the hospital with pneumonia. It took me months to recover. Last winter I ended up with cold onset asthma. It really was frustrating when I constantly kept getting sick because I was trying to get back on the horse but wasn't happening. I used that and the fact that I was technically and still technically am a professional competitive eater as a crutch I figured I'm fat Im getting fat same old I eat for hobby so it's expected.  I truly forgot that I'm an athlete first and an eater second comes with the territory I used bust my ass in the gym working out so that I could eat whatever I wanted it was kind of a love and hate relationship. After a while food always won. But over the years my weight has fluctuated constantly. I've been fat I've been medium-sized I've been skinny I've been ripped whatever. That's part of the reason why I procrastinate so much when it comes to losing weight. I know how fast I can lose it once I'm on a regiment and when I'm constantly running but stop & go isn't necessarily the best option when it comes to running the sort of miles that I was running before my body wasn't accustomed to it and I was constantly getting injured I would try to start off where I left off and I really fucked myself over in doing so. This time around I made sure that I respect any and all injuries/sickness that I've encountered along the way. So far so good but this time around I'm really looking to take myself to that next level. I've been to a point where I was running 60 miles a week in an average of four days there were weeks that I've done it in three or two on top of lifting weights running biking swimming and practicing martial arts. So where I was at before really was beyond that of the semi average dude. It's funny but at the same time frustrating being at the level that I was at and putting on the type of weight that I put on. I was constantly reminded by those around me. Whether they were friends family coworkers it really didn't matter everybody and their mother literally had jokes. I'm really not the type of person who takes criticism very well so in this case I can honestly say I was extremely pissed off any time someone had something to say about my weight. In the back of my mind I was like fuck you you will never ever be at the level that I was at you your mother brother sister cousin anyone you've known or met couldn't do what I do but at the same time I wasn't vocal about the way I felt I just went with it and it really did keep my mind occupied. Just something else to be pissed off about. I feel like regardless what type of person you are whether you have good intentions or bad no one wants A train full of passengers to crash but when it happens you can't help but look away Any other time that I've lost weight it sort seemed easy compared to now because I didn't get as big as I did this time around. Plus there were outside stresses that influenced my gain all the other times this time around I can honestly say I'm 100% the blame. But it's all good I have the same mindset that I had any other time that I've dropped weight before and it's basically that I'm tired of being fat. I gave myself plenty of leeway any other time that I've dieted but this time around I have been extremely strict I've actually started counting calories somewhat limiting what I eat but eating cleaner than I've ever eaten before balancing out my macronutrients keeping a log of everything and trying to stay below a certain percentage of fat every day. I shot up to 301.6 pounds this past August so this time I knew that extreme measures were going to be required in order for me to drop this weight. Ive had flip-flops back-and-forth when I first started but when I finally got my diet down packed and was able to exercise without sustaining any sort of injury I can honestly say that within the past three months I'm down about 60 pounds. It feels good looking in the mirror and somewhat seeing what my old self used to look like I'm not I was at before but I'm getting there this time around I am really going to push harder than I've ever pushed before. And I can say that this is not a New Year's resolution type of thing because I started dieting last year. As far as eating contest go I really don't plan on competing until I'm happy with where I'm at.  Most likely not until late April early May. I really want to compete in the king cake contest in AC on fat Tuesday in March but I'm going to have to flip a coin on that one. Even though I haven't yet reached 30 I feel that the window of opportunity is slowly starting to close on me so the time for doing things really is now I've procrastinated and put aside practicing martial arts for a while now and I really want to try and apply myself towards getting in the type of shape where I feel like I'm confident enough to fight. That's one of my true goals for this year. Although I do enjoy competing in eating contest from time to time it's not something that I love doing I've always loved martial arts from the time I was a kid when I was three years old watching ninja turtles trying to mimic moves that I saw kung fu films really has been a passion of mine for a while & Ive put it off for way too long. I don't want to be known for being a guy who can stuff his face it seems like that's pretty much all people know me for nowadays. The notoriety for doing contest never really enticed me I'm not a people person I don't enjoy talking to reporters or people I don't know I've always been kind of a loner and have lived a pretty sheltered life so crowds being around a ton of people never really enticed me all the bells and whistles that come with eating were more of an aggravation than something that I welcomed. That's part of the reason why I felt it necessary to kind of disappear from social networks for a while. I feel that I do enjoy my own company from time to time and being alone really helps me Center and maintain my focus I've done my best to stay in touch with people who I consider to be friends whether it be a phone call or a text. I feel as though I have many acquaintances but very few friends I try to keep a small circle and I'm not too keen on having people be in my personal life. Plus I didn't want history to repeat itself & post a million things about how I'm going to try and lose weight and do this and do that and then go about not doing it.  So this time to myself really was a necessary evil.  My only regret is that I feel as though I've kinda lost touch with some of the people are important to me & and that I haven't really worked on continuing to build a relationship with God. But that's another story all in itself. Throughout this time that I've been dieting I really haven't had much of a social life my routine is basically wake up in the morning go to work come home work out shower to sleep. I really can say that I've become a slave to my routine and constantly staying busy is now a necessity I feel like if I lay around doing nothing then I really am wasting my day and that time is more precious than I will ever know. I feel like once I get to where I want to be then you can actually start to have a life again until then it's grind time and feel as though working 24 seven everything that I do is now is to try and better myself whether it be as simple as getting a solid eight hours asleep at night which I'm finally doing thank God. Last year I Rate my year about 50-50 there were things that I've done that I never would've dreamed I'd be doing finally got on the plane started doing some traveling I competed at Nathan's on the Fourth of July I actually lived a little. Life is crazy I would've never my wildest dreams said that would've been doing any of the things that I've done last year but I hope that I do have a long and fruitful life so I really don't know what else my time on earth has to hold. But I'll do my best to value every moment of it. I really wanted to start this year off on a positive note so far so good until next time those of you who read thanks for reading and I'll try to make sure that I don't go to plus years without writing another blog.